Because the “old me” needed to grow. Because the “old me” needed to go. Because you honestly did not respect her and now you don’t like her because she respects herself without waiting for someone else to. Because she realized that her heart is not to be given freely. Because she realized that her armor was missing. Because she realized that no one fought for her, so she started fighting for herself. Because she was counted out before she could get in. Because the bad news was always true. Because her friends didn’t know if they really wanted to be her enemies. Because she always saw things for how she wanted to see them, through rose colored glasses. Because when she finally woke up from a 20++ year nap, she realized she deserved more. Because no one realizes how much you give until you stop giving…She was not happy. She needed to break free. She needed to feel alive and not feel suffocated by the very people who she thought gave her air. She needed to break away. Do her. Be her. Without judgement. Without disrespect. Without backstabbing. Without noise. Without neglect. Without feeling alone in a room full. Without feeling like no one cared to reciprocate the love, support, and respect she holds for those who are near and dear. This girl, me.. This woman, me… needed a change. Seasons change and so do people. In this season, I choose me, Without guilt.
Dear People I USED to know,
I am grateful for the length of time we got to share together. I’m pretty sure there was one point in time I thought we’d be in each other’s lives forever. Even though that didn’t happen and our friendship or relationship came to an end, I deeply feel as if our ‘once upon a time’ connection was not in vain. I can happily reflect on good moments we shared and seasons we endured. Each one of you played an essential role in my life, whether my feelings were considered in the process or not. You taught me to end the vicious cycle I allowed to run rampant in my life: allowing potential, almost, maybe, and the dreadful ‘okay’ to be a constant in my circle. See, I firmly believe that evidence of imperfection in the human race lies in the way we treat others. The poor decisions you made revealed to me a new, clear vision. In that vision, I saw myself living a life of being half-loved and half-respected, not only by you, but by everyone else around me as well. Did I really believe that vision was capable of coming true? Yes. I believed it was well on its way to happening because I also saw in that vision the lifetime of poor decision-making skills I would be making if I continued to allow half-ass anything resound in my relationships. Because of you all, Half-Assed is my WORST enemy. Half-ass love, half-ass respect, half-ass consideration…I’m no longer accepting. So thank you for making ME better.
Although I despise your actions and characteristics, I’ve learned to admire them and practice them in my own life. For every negative trait of yours that I had to experience, I adopted those same traits, except I used them to improve myself. When you demonstrated selfishness, you did so in a way that denied myself and those around of you of something that we needed from you. I’m sure what I wanted is probably the very things I gave you: Love, kindness, time, patience, Unlike you, I used selfishness to fuel myself. It took me some time to realize that in order to give my best to others I had to do the same for myself first. I learned that I needed to be selfish to give unselfishly. That I needed to pour into my own cup before I could share the drink. I finally learned that I couldn’t give anything I didn’t have. That is when I became selfish. Remember how firm you stood in being wrong? Even when you knew you were wrong? I learned to stand just as firm as you, only when I know it’s right. I knew I needed to start sticking by decisions that would ultimately lead to something good for myself and those around me. Remember how prideful you were? How you couldn’t say ‘sorry’ and move forward in a positive manner, just to save our relationship? That’ll never be. There’s no way I could adopt that.
Once again, I could use this very moment to express my disdain for you in several ways. I could tell you why I dislike you. I could tell you where to go and how fast I hope you get there. But I won’t. Not because I’m afraid. Not because I can’t face the consequences of being transparent. But because I love you. That’s right. I love you. The thing about unconditional love is that it NEVER CHANGES no matter how much we as people do. Love is a choice. It knows no physical face and it knows no face of wrong doing. LOVE conquers ALL. All flaws. So when I love, I love for real. I know you’ve heard that one before, but It’s true. It’s not a word I use lightly. If I say it, I mean it with every fiber of my being. And if I feel it, so will you because without a shadow of a doubt, I’m going to show you. But here we are, feeling the effects of this open letter. You know that saying that goes something like “If we ain’t cool no more then you messed that up?” That’s how I feel. Say what you want, but that’s my truth. My supporting evidence is this: I am very selective of the people I coexist with. It’s not because I think I’m better than anyone, but it’s simply because I’ve never needed a large standing of people to call my “clique” or my “crew”. It’s also because I’ve never been interested in sharing my time with every person that crosses my path. When I make a true connection with someone, when I select them to be apart of my life, I am going to do everything in my power to make sure they stay there, UNLESS i’m forced to go into a separate direction. Like I’ve done with you all. I’ve apologized to you if you made it known I had fallen short or stepped out of line. I’ve apologized because I may have been wrong about something. I’ve even apologized, maybe, when I wasn’t even supposed to or didn’t fully understand where I may have wronged you. But If I want you in my life, I’m willing to do all the above. But since you’re not here anymore, it’s because you abused that privilege. Maybe you thought me bending to your will was a sign of weakness. Maybe you really didn’t want to stick around anymore. Maybe you just hadn’t realized the error of your own ways. Maybe you’re pride is bigger than all of outside. Whatever the reasons may have been for your less than loving behavior, I forgive you. Not only do I forgive you, I thank you. More than anything, I thank you.
For every tear I ever shed over a phone call I never received, one that you could have honored me with, to at least show decency in saying “Hey, I forgot,” I thank you. For every time I’ve had to question your loyalty, I thank you. For every time you lied to me with narrow eyes and bullshit lies, I thank you. For belittling me out of disagreement or difference of opinion, I thank you. For every time you stood me up, I thank you. For every time you allowed me to go out my way with no intent of ever returning the favor (if needed), I thank you. For every time you called me out my name, I thank you. For the time you physically shook me until I could do nothing but grasp my breath and run out of the house, I thank you. For making me feel bad about being who I am, I thank you. For treating me like an option, I thank you. For never listening, I thank you. For not taking interest in who I am and what I love, I thank you. For making what could have been good memories on special days bad memories, I thank you. For assuming you know what’s best for me without actually considering who I am, I thank you. Thank you for turning up your nose at the thought of me doing something to make myself happy. For judging the way I conduct myself with you without judging your actions that may have led me to be that way, I thank you. For leaving me heartbroken, I thank you. For isolating me when I needed you most, I thank you. For carrying on as my enemy when we were supposed to be friends, I thank you. For playing me like a fiddle, I thank you. For constantly making me out to be the total opposite of who I was to you, I thank you. I thank you for every less than loving thing you’ve ever done. Whether they were done with intent or without care, I still thank you. I thank you because you showed me what’s not acceptable. You showed me that I deserve more for myself. Thank you for teaching me the worst so that I may truly appreciate what’s better. Thank you for showing me the complete opposite of what true love is. Thank you for giving me a different perspective. You gave me perspective that doesn’t bind my thinking into believing I HAVE TO deal with anyone who doesn’t reciprocate the same vibes as I share. I know what real, true, loving, and positive energy is now. Thank you because the people I USED to know will never again become the people I know. Ever again.
P.S. “You almost buried me, but I realized I was a seed.” Metro Booming, VeeKay Blooming.